Coughing Quandary

I’ve been unable to write much lately. There are circumstances which have derailed me: laryngitis, hurricanes, snowstorms, power-outages, incoming fatherly visits, the noisy ingress of my mother into my attic – minor stuff like that. It’s hard to get the writing kettle boiling. It feels similar to getting my butt back in the seat of an AA meeting after a hiatus.

There is something else which has been troubling me terribly. During my bout of laryngitis, in which I had to use paper and pen to communicate,  John says, “Hey, I have some cough syrup from the doc; maybe you should have some? Keep in mind though – it IS a narcotic.”  Yes, I know that, dear. The nonchalance with which he uttered those magic words opened a door of nasty, nasty notions. I wasn’t even coughing.

So. I took a dose; three at a time actually. It really did nothing except make me want to vomit, and snooze. I won’t do it again. But now I feel a bit fraudulent about my interactions with other alcoholics. I know that going back to “Day One” would be incomparably more dangerous for me and devastating to my family than keeping calm and carrying on. So I am choosing to bear this alone. I HAVE admitted it to a trustworthy fellow who has mixed feelings, but will keep the info to himself and let me make my own decision without judgment.

I am developing a relationship with the spirit of the universe, and I believe that this spirit supports me if I am aligned with It.

I am going to get a step sponsor post haste. I need to live the program.

Share and Enjoy

  • Julie Height

    Hey there, well bravo to you for being rigorously honest with yourself. It’s not bloody simple is it? Just when we think we’ve got an understanding our old self/behaviours jump out at us.
    I think getting a sponsor who will invest in you, demand your honesty and efforts may be a good idea. It only works if we work it….

    • Catherine

      Confound it, I just replied and I think it goofed again.
      I just thanked you and said that I have informed my sponsor of my needs to up the step work in order to be “happy, joyous and free.” Although she will not be one of my confidantes about the cough syrup, because I don’t think she would understand its insignificance in the scheme of my sobriety vs. the devastation that returning to day one would bring upon me and my family.
      A tricky balance of honesty and self-preservation.

  • Kary May

    I think it’s okay. I don’t think one sip, one drink, 3 glugs of cough syrup automatically triggers a relapse, I think if you make it a big fucking deal, it could. So just let it go, you didn’t continue glugging it until you felt something, you stopped. That’s what’s important.

    • Catherine

      Yes, I am tending to agree with you. Although for me, the sip or drink would have to go down as day 1. I was a gutter alcoholic, and I would have to slap myself in the face with that one. Thank you for your support. I am going to let the cough syrup go. It didn’t hurt anyone.