Deflated

Gross.

This is how I feel about myself. I came out of M’lady, M’therapist. Whenever I cross the threshold of her book-strewn office, she, at 70-something-years-old, whips out her pom-poms and does cheers for me. She had just given me a speech about how I had literally stepped out of the darkness and into the light by singing on that bright stage. After the appointment, I sailed on silver skirts over to Chelsea Market, where I was to meet Francesca.

I waited at the entrance with the cool stone walls and as she walked in, I almost ran. She is so beautiful that it is hard to look at her.

We sat and had tea before we went to an OA meeting together. She was impeccably dressed in very expensive clothing and had just come from an art opening. She sounded serene as she stared across the table at me with her enormous eyes. I have been told that I am a lovely woman, and I feel….as though… that might be true, BUT Fucking Francesca is like, 15 years younger than I am. And I sat there feeling my skin start to sag and my eyes begin to bulge, like the queen in Snow White when she disguises herself as the old hag.

Frannyfoo rolled her lil’ ol’ fancy cigarette as we made for the door. I felt like an idiot. Like I should just run and say, “thank you very much, but I have decided that you are far too fabulous to help me recover. Not to mention that biologically you could be my daughter, so really – what the hell do YOU know?

I called a close OA friend about the situation. She said all the slogans like, “Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides,” and “Fake it til You Make it.” And then she said, “Besides, Catherine- she is no more beautiful than you. You take my breath away when you walk in the room.”

Third Step Prayer ( I think of Love as a substitute for God):

God, I offer myself to Thee –
to build with me
and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power,
Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!

 

Who gives a shit about the Fanciness and Faces? And Fran. I’ll call her “Fran” now.

 

 

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