A Friend Indeed

Life is flooding in. I am doing an NYU thesis film- for free, but it is on 16 mm – not that I know what that is, but I get the feeling it’s cool. I’m getting experience and I am feeling esteem from taking estimable actions.

I’m auditioning to sing backup with a wacky band based around a prima harpist. I’d better learn to sight read – fast.

I went on a print audition today which, if landed, would pay scads of much-needed dough. I’m not holding my breath. But I heard myself saying to my dad, on the phone, “I’m taking the actions, and letting go of the results.”  Thank you AA.

I have sought a friendship with a woman from my recent acting class. She will be my first new friend in fifteen years. She is not in any 12-step program and actually asked me, “Really??? You can’t even have just one glass of wine?” I had already told her my life story. I have no small talk.  She writes me epic emails reminiscent of the 10-page hand-written letters I used to receive in high school. My new friend obviously agonizes over them and probably edits them for grammar.  She tells me that if she takes a long time with a reply, it is because she wants it to be a thoughtful one.

Really cool stuff.

Tonight at an AA meeting, Jimmy shared about how it used to be. Around 7 am he would begin to panic that he had no more booze to last until the liquor stores opened at 10 am. And sometimes he’d find a pint tucked away and it would be like he had won the lottery. I related so much that I actually laughed out loud. I laughed with sickening identification. I used to cry with relief when I would find 4-5 nips behind a cupboard door which would get me through to 10am.  I don’t have to do that – just for today.

If I did, my friend and my fledgling steps to joy would crack like ice and melt away.

Grateful.

 

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  • Kary May

    That’s the slender thread I hang onto sometimes too. If I let myself have that one drink, everything I’ve gained, all that self-respect, all those admiring glances, that “things are as they should be” feeling would all go poof!

    It scares me bad enough to keep me sober.

    Grateful II

    • Catherine

      I am glancing at you admiringly and I encourage you to keep on the path with me!