Une Tache Enorme

Oh man, I’m afraid to start writing.

I don’t know where to begin. I am still sober and decided that I didn’t get sober to be miserable.

So I dipped my toe into the torpid theatre water and stirred. And lots of mutant fishes jumped out.

I’m auditioning. And I am actually in a play. I have to have an Armenian accent!

I still feel shame and remorse for not having the credits that I “should” have at my age. But if I Face Everything And Recover, it will come in time. I will gallop through with gunsmoke wafting behind me.

I’m scared to write. Gotta start again.

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  • Amy

    i just had to leave a comment… the degree to which i relate to this post is unexplainable. it had me fighting back tears until i couldn’t fight them anymore… i apologize in advance for the length.
    i’m 26 and have been a drug addict for about 4 years now. (since august 2009.) i’m one of the many (many many MANY) who was swept up with opiates and then heroin. the first year, i lost my job, car, boyfriend, apartment… i had to move back in with my parents (from massachusetts back to maine ):< ) in june of 2010.
    the only thing that changed was my location and i continued using drugs. "black friday" (the day after thanksgiving) my parents suspected i was high out of my mind and searched my purse while i was asleep. they found spoons and needles. they took control over my money and allowed me to buy suboxone off the street until i could get into a program to have it legally prescribed and monitored by a professional. february 2011 that finally happened. at first, i was singing it's praises. but i soon realized all i had done was trade one thing for another. by may 2011 i relapsed.
    by april 2012 i had been in jail for stealing from my job, obviously got fired from my job, burned A LOT of bridges, lost all my friends, my parents kicked me out… and finally, i got kicked out of my suboxone program. so i took to the streets once again to buy both suboxone and opiates. i then spent another year or so juggling the two until i just couldn't handle it anymore.
    finally, may of this year was the last time i used any opiates. i've stuck right by the side of my suboxone though. at first, i was grateful for it. …until i sunk into a depression so low that i only cared about eating, sleeping, and watching tv and frequently contemplated suicide. thankfully, i had moved back in with my parents and i have an incredibly supportive boyfriend and family.
    which brings me to the now. i finally told suboxone to go f*** itself. that was 5 days ago. i'm finding it hard to stay strong, but i'm very determined this time. i want my life back. i want to be self sufficient again. i want to be happy. i want to wake up and not have to take something to feel normal. i now know that i can't have any of those things with suboxone.
    *sigh* well again, i'm sorry this is long.. i just wanted to share my background. i'm finding it helpful to read blogs like these. to hear success stories. to know there are so many people out there struggling just like me. i don't feel so alone in this battle.
    so i guess what i'm trying to say is thank you. you're touching the lives of many and it's beautiful.
    -amy

    • Carla L.

      Hi Amy,

      I thank you so much for your honesty. Taking the time to write out your thoughts without acting on them, if only for a little while takes courage.

      Suboxone is a nasty MF. Back in my day it was Methadone, but you had to travel to clinics to get it. This just seems so easy to abuse. I hear your pain and I congratulate you on your five days. That is amazing. I offer you all my good thoughts and encouragement. And if you fall, get right back up.
      I just beg you, don’t touch those fucking needles. I have had 3 people die on me in a month. So please knock that off. I say that with love.
      Feel free to keep writing to me.

      Lots of good energy your way. You are worth it. I heard tonight, ” God doesn’t love me because I’m good, (he, she, it) loves me because I AM.

      xoxoxo

      Catherine

      • Carla L.

        P.S. I couldn’t get this to sign me in, so I used a fake name.